BETRAYAL . CHAPTER 4 . ASCENT
- Kate Larsen
- Jan 12
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 28
CHAPTER FOUR
Ascent
“And so long as you haven’t experienced this: to die and so to grow, you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth.”
Goethe
I cry over commercials.
The ones where families are at home at night with mugs of cocoa.
When I left that day I had no idea where I would go, what I would do.
I holed up at empty houses and moved from place to place, wherever I could find some space to sleep, to cry.
Late one desperate night I drove to the house that had been my home and lay down in the grass in front of our living room window while my daughter and my husband slept inside. It was a beautiful summer night and the stars were spangles in the sky, and a 50-year-old woman was sneaking around in the dark.
I sent teary emails to him and drank too much and smoked cigarettes.
I have lots of moments that I am not proud of; moments when I spoke out in anger and desperation. These were the ragged days when I was hanging on by my fingernails, waiting to be saved.
No one saved me. So I let go.
There are many ways to die. Death is painful. No wonder we do everything we can to avoid it — even live half-lives. In my case, death was the best option.
Ironically, it is in dying that I am learning to live.
I told my story to friends, acquaintances, strangers — anyone who asked or anyone who would listen. At first it was to convince myself that this terrible thing had really happened. I was hungry for sympathy, compassion and validation for my anger and grief.
And then I started listening.
And what I heard gave me comfort and pieces of hope. So I started a collection of shiny ideas.
I was grateful for their light.
I learned that we all crave a real connection of vulnerability and compassion; that we all fall, we all die in different ways; we all make mistakes and suffer loss.
We are all afraid.
I learned that it’s not the events of our lives that bring us happiness or sorrow — it’s how we approach those events.
I have come to believe each of us has a choice of attitude every day of our lives, and this is the ultimate human freedom.
I wanted a better life. I needed to start making some different choices.
My whole life I have been scared of not being seen, not being loved, not being enough — scared of getting old, of death, of gravity, of disapproval, of shame, of my own body. I was scared of this betrayal. I was the most desperate person in the lineup for love.
It is my best kept secret.
Gradually removing the mantle of martyrdom or saintliness, I find myself face to face with my ego.
Filling my sails with outrage and anger, I thank my ego for keeping me afloat when I was sinking. But now I want a life free of excuses. I’d rather free fall. I am a human being destined to die and leave this world.
How can I expect anything? And how can I deny that in my life, anything is possible?
...to be continued...
By Kate Larsen . First Published in Island Gals Magazine . 2011 . Volume 1 . Issue 4
