BETRAYAL . CHAPTER 7 . THE HUG
- Kate Larsen
- Jan 9
- 3 min read
Updated: Jan 28
CHAPTER SEVEN
The Hug
The past is a collection of memories – my memories. The future is unwritten as they say,
and the present is my moment in time,
pulsating with life and potential.
I have come to this place in the river of my life and there is no turning back.
It’s a universal law.
Loss is etched in the body and if I am lucky enough to stay afloat, it is the deep red and blue threads in the tapestry of my heart.
At worst, loss could rip me away from my moment in time and drown me. I have decided to go with the flow.
But something happened that took my breath away. It happened like this.
We had been talking about money (I say talking but it was really a duel at knifepoint), and when I hung up the phone I felt terrible.
Is this the tragedy we had become?
Two children scrabbling over pennies in the aftermath?
The next morning he called me to give his car a jumpstart.
I went over and helped; happy for a moment to smooth over the jagged edges of our money conversation.
I told him I was going to see my mother, and he said, “I guess your mother hates me”.
He looked so forlorn standing there in his bare feet and morning hair.
I felt compassion.
So I went over and hugged him.
I hugged him like a mother would hug a child – to comfort and reassure.
He wrapped his long arms around me and pulled me to him. Our bodies molded together completely as they always had done, and suddenly we were the lovers again.
I felt dizzy.
I left the embrace and got in my car and drove away, my heart pounding.
Body memories flooded in and I was lost.
I asked my brain for help, and it told me I can only know myself.
What was that moment for me?
I’ve been so locked in my mind and my heart that I had forgotten the body. I responded instinctively to a warm embrace. I hadn’t been held in years and I was in danger of forgetting.
In that one hug, I remembered everything.
If this was a Harlequin romance, we would rekindle our love and ride off into the sunset.
But I have come so far.
It took me two days in that swirl of feeling to know for certain it isn’t him that I want.
Its only the promise of the impossible past and the lovers hug I want.
I am so grateful that I now know the difference.
I have been naïve in my life.
Growing up a romantic, I have never wanted to make love to a man I didn’t have deep feelings for.
So when my husband had an affair, and when he privately engaged in pornography, I was sure that he had no love for me.
It was the worst kind of torment.
I have come to know that things are not black and white.
We are different.
Life is messy and confusing, and in many ways a crap shoot. Men and women can be perfect lovers or perfect enemies.
Sex is powerful and elemental.
It can be used as a weapon, a distraction, a food, an intoxicant, a solution or a comforting haven.
He made choices that only he understands.
For me in my life, sex and love will always be together.
Above all, I long for courage in this life. I want to be brave enough to be open and vulnerable; trusting my instincts and feelings to guide me in the rough water. Right now, at this moment, I can see that I still have my mantle of protection safely around my shoulders. I will pray that it slowly slips off.
...to be continued...
By Kate Larsen . First Published in Island Gals Magazine . 2012 . Volume 2 . Issue 3
