BEING TRUE TO ME

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter,

and those who matter don’t mind.”

~ Dr.Seuss

Why is it that the people who are the least supportive and accepting are often the ones we most want to please and gain acceptance from?

At least, this has been the case in my life.

Without getting too ahead of myself, I would like to express a bit of gratitude for my amazing life. I have a wide network of cheerleaders who love and accept me however I show up.

I have some extraordinary mentors who help guide me and lift me up when I fall.

I have the best mom a daughter could wish for. She is a no-drama, real-deal kind of lady who can, in a couple of sentences, help me get unstuck from the stickiest of situations. My husband is by far my biggest fan and supporter, and my two beautiful sons, Joe and Jake, are my source of inspiration.

These fine fellas in my life never fail to provide me with ample learning opportunities to grow as a person and as a woman.

Like I said, I am very fortunate. With all of this love and support I am surrounded with, some might ask, “How could she get stuck or worry about what others think?”

While I would admit this is a very good and valid point, I would also have to say there are obviously some repeat lessons I am still learning. For a good portion of my life, I have been a “people pleaser.” I can distinctly remember at a young age setting out to do things as a means of receiving favorable reactions from others around me.

Like a cause-and-effect experiment, I discovered early on that when I conducted myself in a certain way, I was met with approval from others.

I don’t think this is an abnormal or unique trait; in fact, I think as women and as humans, we all want to be loved and accepted.

What I have noticed is that some women show up exactly as they are; you either love them or you don’t.

They are OK either way.

They are sincere and can be found living life with purpose, passion and acceptance of all those around them. These authentic types are honest and upfront and address their issues with the source directly.

Sure, like everyone, they, too, have their struggles, but what I find most intriguing is that these genuine ladies don’t concern themselves with gaining acceptance from the Negative Nellies in their lives.

They choose to spend their energy wisely and intentionally.

I have come to realize that there have been times all throughout my life I desperately sought the acceptance of the naysayers. I guess I thought if I could get the people who are critical of everyone to say I was OK, then it would really mean something.

I would actually set out to “people-please” the people who aren’t pleased with anything.

Talk about going in circles!

Finally, after many dizzying repeat lessons, I am learning about the importance of standing in my own power. I now find myself in my early thirties in a significant role as the stay-at-home mom of two healthy and very active boys. I consider myself to be energetic, with enough stamina to match the pace of my toddler and preschooler. I am fortunate to be able to give a lot of myself and my energy to raising my family in the best way I know how. I also look forward to date nights and time spent sustaining a happy and healthy relationship with my husband. I value my time spent with close friends and family and doing things that are just for me.

This brings me to my “aha!” moment of truth and the start of a journey down a lighter path.

I finally began to see that when I spent so much as one millisecond attempting to please the displeased, I started depleting the precious energy resources I depend on to create a happy balance in my life. I also began to notice a pattern where my energy to people-please came from.

Naturally, I would first take it away from the things I do for myself.

Then I would take it from my important relationships.

Next, if I wasn’t really careful, I would allocate it away from my marriage and my family.

There I stood, defeated and deflated, wondering what ever went wrong and why everything felt so hard all of a sudden.

I guess what I am getting at is that it no longer made any sense to spend an ounce of energy caring, wondering or hoping for the approval of anyone but myself.

I realized if I want to live an authentic life with joy, I must stop giving my power away to the naysayers.

I still find it hard to wrap my brain around the idea that there will always be people out there who don’t get me or perhaps don’t like me, but I am learning that as long as I am true to myself, it just isn’t my concern.

I definitely don’t have it all figured out, and at times I find it very challenging to not revert back to my people-pleasing tendencies.

I get the feeling that it is the human in me that will always, to some extent, want to please others as a means of gaining their approval.

As Joe and Jake’s role model, I am striving to send the message to them that it’s most important to gain the approval of yourself first and to try and stand in your power as much as possible when faced with negativity.

Moving forward, I sincerely wish for me, and everyone else out there trying to break free from people-pleasing, that we spend more time owning, expressing and loving ourselves the way we are. This alone could create opportunities for our authenticity to shine through for everyone to witness and enjoy.

Who knows, maybe in the process,

this action will also inspire the most powerful naysayers to do the same.

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By Emily Madill . First Published in Island Gals Magazine . 2011 . Volume 1 . Issue 2

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