THE 'S' WORD - SELFISH

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When I’m having a bad day, I can do a really good job of convincing myself that it’s because my husband is an ass.

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It’s true.

Oh, not that he is an ass,

but that I think it’s his fault that I feel so bad.

Then, of course, I try to sell him on my theory, which doesn’t usually go well.

While I’ve evolved over the last 24 years of marriage,

I can still get triggered into blaming and criticizing when I’m feeling anxious, worried, irritated….

We all do this, and not just to our partners, but to others around us.

There must be something in one of Oprah’s magazines that says:

“Any judgement you have of others is simply an inner reflection of you.”

What does that mean?

I think we are complicated and that there are a lot of reasons why people’s behavior can get under our skin.

People can be thoughtless, cross our boundaries and act badly,

yet our response to this is what really matters.

Sometimes we play nice and abandon ourselves because we are worried about being seen as mean or selfish, so we don’t speak up or take action, but continue to accuse and judge the other person.

We complain to others, feel negative and build a tremendous story in our heads, full of blame and victimization.

Yuck, that doesn’t feel very powerful.

Women from my mother’s generation never learned to ask directly for what they needed.

Instead, they learned to do without, sacrifice themselves, manipulate situations by using guilt-inducing statements. They got depressed, or just remained victims of whatever life threw at them.

The idea of taking charge of their needs and looking after themselves was seen as selfish.

I guarantee you the “S” word will shut a woman’s boundaries down so quickly that she will say “yes” when she means “no,” even though her knees are shaking, her stomach aches and her heart pounds.

We have to know that there is a huge cost to treating ourselves this way.

Being nice doesn’t serve us or others well at all.

It puts other people’s needs before ours, and while sometimes that is necessary, most of the time, it isn’t.

Being nice means we are “people pleasing,” and possibly making ourselves sick.

Our inner critic isn’t giving us permission to have needs, and she joins forces with anyone who wants to keep us stuck and see us as selfish.

We must recognize that our juicy, precious lives involve looking after ourselves

and allowing us to get our needs met.

If we don’t do this, then everyone will seem like an ass and we will be victims of how other people think, feel and behave.

In other words, we won’t be OK until somebody else gives us permission; and you know what?

We can’t afford to live like this.

If we frequently say we are afraid of conflict or being mean, or if we often feel too guilty to do what is right, then see this as an invitation to smarten up! The ironic thing (and I know you know this) is that other people suffer when we sell ourselves short.

They don’t get the benefit of our greatness, they have to put up with our resentment — and they’ll end up feeling guilty if we bend over backwards.

This doesn’t mean we can’t be kind.

Kind is different from nice.

While nice doesn’t consider our own feelings and puts others first, kind is self loving and self aware.

When we are aware of our needs and feelings, then we build a resource so that we can contribute in a wholehearted way, and from a solid place of choice.

In other words, we give a clean “yes” or “no” where needed.

Whew, I really got charged while I was writing this.

But I guess I feel a sense of urgency because we women nurture and care for so many.

We must give ourselves as much love and care as we give others, actually more.

Do it!

It’s good role-modelling for the young women behind us and it will bring much more joy into our lives, and the lives of those we love.

As for my husband, he’s off the hook — sort of.

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An Invitation

I invite you to consider these needs as much as you can and to honor all of the feelings that guide you to them.

FEELING

• afraid

• aggravated

• agitated

• alarmed

• angry

• annoyed

• anxious

• apprehensive

• bewildered

• bored

• brokenhearted

• concerned

• confused

• dejected

• depressed

• despairing

• despondent

• detached

• disappointed

• discouraged

• disgusted

• dismayed

• distressed

• embarrassed

• exasperated

• exhausted

• fearful

• frightened

• frustrated

• furious

• guilty

• helpless

• hesitant

• horrified

• horrible

• hurt

• impatient

• indifferent

• intense

• irate

• irritated

• jealous

• lonely

• mad

• mean

• miserable

• nervous

• overwhelmed

• panicky

• passive

• pessimistic

• reluctant

• resentful

• restless

• sad

• scared

• sensitive

• shocked

• skeptical

• sleepy

• sorry

• startled

• surprised

• suspicious

• troubled

• uncomfortable

• unsteady

• uptight

• weary

• withdrawn

• worried

NEED - RELATIONSHIPS

• acceptance

• affection

• appreciation

• clarity

• closeness

• community

• company

• consideration

• distance

• empathy

• equality

• fairness

• honesty

• inclusion

• love

• protection

• reassurance

• respect

• support

• trust

• understanding

• warmth

NEED - PERSONAL

• achievement

• accomplishment

• autonomy

• choices

• comfort

• contribution

• creativity

• dreams

• emotional safety

• freedom

• goals

• integrity

• justice

• meaning

• order

• peace and quiet

• physical safety

• play

• self worth

• sense of self

• time alone

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By Allison Rees . First Published in Island Gals Magazine . 2011 . Volume 1 . Issue 2

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