CALMING THE INNER BITCH

I’ve worked with people on intimate levels for many years as a counselor and the facilitator of LIFE Seminars. I don’t give people answers or tell them what to do, but I am present enough to hold their lives up in front of them so they can get clarity.

I’m retiring from counseling and have pulled back over the last year, not really knowing what was next for me. The term ‘compassionate fatigue’ fits in many womens’ lives because we care for so many people, and it certainly fit for me.

One general indication is that you feel like hiding under a rock. It happens even when you work hard at maintaining boundaries.

It happens when people matter to you and when you are trying to do your best. So many wonderful people end up feeling exhausted and that’s not a point of failure, it’s simply an invitation to make a change.

I’m at a place of change where nurturing my heart and creativity is one of my top priorities. I think this is a task for many women my age and I can honestly say,

“IF IT AIN'T FUN, I AIN'T DOIN' IT!”

I’ve crossed over the 50 mark, my children have moved out and my husband of 24 years is about to retire, all things that I dreaded the thought of ten years ago. I find it kind of amusing to hear younger women talk about their age and how old they are at 36! I laugh as I look at their smooth skin and tight necks. Hah! They talk as if getting older is a crisis. I am now the older woman who can look at them honestly and say,

“Actually, you are right, it is a crisis and that simply means change and renewal”.

If they can stay true to themselves along the way, their lives will become more peaceful, joyful and richer.

So, what does it mean to stay true to yourself? To love yourself?

My interpretation of this is to pay attention to the inner critic or saboteur inside your head.

• She’s a nasty bitch.

• She’ll cut you down and try to keep you feeling small so you can play it safe.

• She’ll stop you in your tracks from saying “no” when you need to.

• She’ll put wrinkles on your forehead because you frown when you feel so damned resentful.

• She can turn that wonderful glass of red wine into a tonic of self-pity and a bad hangover.

  
  

I could explain this but I know my audience, I don’t have to.

The truth is, our inner critic whispers sweet nothings in our ear that we don’t even question. We let those toxic little messages in and fail to challenge them, or see them for the lies that they are.

These thoughts can sound like,

“It’s selfish of me to turn my daughter’s room into a gym a week after she moves out”. I’m not funny enough, smart enough or I’m too much like my mother to do that”.

Messages of guilt, self doubt and shame are the voice of the inner critic.

I watched my 88 year old mother buy a box of chocolates, and while standing in the lineup to pay for them, she was saying, “I shouldn’t buy these”.

“Mother, you are 88 years old! Buy them, eat them and enjoy them instead of playing that cat and mouse game with guilt and desire!”

By the way, she laughs when I tell her I think I’m old.

Okay, so here we are.

Maybe our beauty looks different.

Our skin might not be so tight but that’s just so we can be more comfortable in it.

That is sexy!

So we say what we think, and don’t care about offending people as much as we used to.

Doesn’t it feel good to be a little more assertive or honest?

Isn’t it nice to not be so concerned with what other people think?

The only thing that can get in our way is ourselves, and only we can challenge the inner bitch.

Correct her frequently, give her a name, and tell her to shut-up so the real you can take over.

I’m loving this place in my life right now. My kids are living huge lives with self-esteem and aspirations that I never experienced at their age. It’s exciting, and as long as I know they are happy and healthy I feel absolute joy. Our little house has more space to it, especially the closets, and somehow my husband’s big screen TV doesn’t feel so big anymore. I now remember why I married him other than just the fact that he has great legs. I actually like having him home, and a new relationship has blossomed now that we don’t have the stress of raising kids coming between us.

Everything truly does change and end, but there are new beginnings.

Acceptance rather than resistance to where we are right now, is being true to ourselves, whatever that looks like.

I do know this; it’s an inside job not dependent on approval of others or what they think.

To me this is self-love.

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By Ally Rees . First Published in Island Gals Magazine . 2011 . Volume 1 . Issue 1

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