SAY THE WRONG THING MUCH?
- Allison Rees
- Feb 11
- 3 min read
Say the wrong thing much?
Hear something that wasn’t really said?
Life is messy.
We say the wrong thing or
hear something that wasn’t really said.
People take offence, stop talking, cut each other off and do everything but speak to the person they have the issue with. They talk to their friend, mother or sibling, and the story spins into something poisonous. There are villains and victims, and often issues are “awfulized” to such an extent that we forget what we are mad about.
We’re just mad!
We are such cowards when it comes to speaking up, but so much damage is done when we don’t.
How come we keep repeating this bad behaviour?
Why didn’t we learn to deal with issues instead of avoiding them?
We’ve all seen it in our families; people who love each other end up distancing and suffering in silence.
This happens because we were given messages like: “Don’t talk about it. Be nice. Get over it!”
This is a problem, and it’s a big one.
In my courses we work on using the classic “I” statements.
This skill is a framework to help us use non-judgemental language and a tool for dealing with issues.
We need it to become more conscious and explore our feelings and thoughts.
None of this is easy, and if our intention is about being right, controlling somebody or blaming them, the the skill is useless.
So the first place we really have to start is to go deep inside ourselves and sit there.
What am I feeling?
Why?
Am I blaming the other person for my feelings?
What am I saying to myself about this person?
Have I got a story going on about the situation?
Here is a big question, and it takes guts to ask it:
Is this story true?
Does the story make me a victim?
We are now reaching beyond skill and really, it takes a lot of grown up behavior to go to this place. It is much easier to be reactive and hold others responsible for ourselves.
Stuff comes up every day.
None of us are above reacting mindlessly, but simple shifts can make huge differences in our lives.
Asking ourselves questions can really help.
The more we work at it, the easier it gets; and it can become a daily or even moment-by-moment practice.
We don’t always have to speak up.
Sometimes we can challenge our thoughts into something more neutral or loving.
A different perspective can bring us a sense of peace.
But if we do this, it can’t be about denial; we have to explore our feelings fully before we can shift and let go.
An “I” statement can be used to bring something up that is bugging you.
This is where observation comes in.
Just describe the facts — exactly what you see or hear, not what you assume or a judgement.
When you do this, it can prevent people from getting defensive.
It might not come out perfectly, and that’s OK, as long as your intention is to put it out there without blame.
Remember, your other choice is to say nothing and stew.
When you talk about your feelings, keep that brief, too, and make sure you aren’t making your feelings the other person’s fault.
You are complicated!
You have a history and all of it contributes to your experience. You must acknowledge that you project onto others and own that fact.
Maybe they triggered you, but it is still your stuff!
Finally, ask for what you want.
People are not supposed to read your mind, and expecting them to puts you right back in the victim chair.
Remember, looking after yourself is not selfish.
I know that just saying it with an “I” statement won’t get people to do what you want, but remember, this is not about developing a fancy tool for controlling people. It is about a more authentic way of being in the world and having healthy relationships. It is a tool to stop the patterns of behaviour that are passive and aggressive and crazy-making.
So remember your choices, drop your victimhood with a peaceful perspective, own your stuff and speak up; and if you need to, ask for what you want.
Try an “I” Statement!
Complete the following statement regarding an issue
you might be having with someone you care about:
When I see/hear/think about: ___________________________(very brief perception)
I feel:_________(just a feeling word, not your thoughts.
I would appreciate if you:_____________________________________________
Or:
I feel:________________________________________
Because:_____________________________________
Please:_______________________________________
By Allison Rees . First Published in Island Gals Magazine . 2011 . Volume 1 . Issue 3
